Is curiosity the cure to conflict?
"Seek to understand then to be understood."
To answer this question let’s first come to understand curiosity and conflict.
What is curiosity?
Curiosity is simply the radical search for truth.
Through curiosity, you can drop your desires and opinions and exchange them with the exploration of truth.
What matters isn’t what you think, but rather what is true.
It is a humbling and exciting journey with infinite exploration.
It is great for you and others on the receiving end.
How does curiosity help others?
The fifth habit in the book 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey is Seek to Understand, Then to be Understood.
But why is this such a successful habit?
The reason is that as humans we all desire to be understood.
But what is this desire?
This desire is simply the desire to be loved, the only desire that can fill the void.
And being understood or understanding another is a sign of love.
Let’s think about that further…
Why is it that we generally associate ‘loved ones’ with those we have known the longest, like family and old friends?
The reason is because we understand each other the deepest. Seeking to understand another is an expression of love towards them.
Hence why Seek to Understand, Then to be Understood is such a successful habit. People begin to love you because you are expressing love to them.
And curiosity is the driving force. It makes this search to understand others more authentic because it is rooted in genuine curiosity.
But how does this resolve conflict?
What is conflict?
Let’s start by further understanding conflict.
Conflict is essentially a disagreement between sides.
It can be big or small, between nations or individuals.
Why does conflict happen?
And this disagreement happens for one of two reasons:
Each side has a material desire separate from the other
The sides misunderstand each other (they might even have the same desire)
Or both
But if you remember, the only true desire is the desire to fill the void which can only be filled by love so therefore the only true desire is love.
So how does curiosity cure conflict?
If the reason we are conflicting is over a material desire and material desire is only an attempt to fill a void that can only be filled by love, then it is right to think that it is love that would be the solution to the conflict because love would fill the void leading to no more material desire.
Easier said than done, I understand.
But let’s take it a step further.
If the other reason for conflict is over a misunderstanding then it would make sense to seek to understand to avoid conflict, right?
Remember seeking to understand another is an expression of love towards them.
So in that act of seeking to understand, you are satisfying their only true desire of love.
Not only do you get to understand them which is the #2 cause of conflict, but you also get to give them love, which a lack of love replaced with a desire for material things is the #1 cause of conflict.
So through your curiosity, which leads you to seek to understand, you begin to eliminate both the causes of conflict.
But before you can even seek to understand others, you must first understand yourself.
Internal Conflict
The conflict within oneself is the foundational conflict that curiosity resolves.
Again, if you have a perceived lack of love, you have a void.
Material Desire
You desire to fill this void. So you begin filling it with outside material things: money, fame, power…
But this void can only be filled with love. All other things make the void deeper.
Once again, the desire for material things is often the #1 cause of conflict.
Material vs Love
It is a conflict to fill your void with material things versus love.
The more material-focused you become, the deeper the void gets and the bigger the conflict within becomes.
This conflict within yourself is what leads to conflicts with others.
And if you have a conflict within yourself, you clearly don’t understand yourself.
So within yourself, you now have both the #1 and #2 things of conflict:
Desire for material things
Misunderstanding of self
Understanding Self
If you fully understand yourself, you will recognize that your desire for material things is a solution that isn’t solving anything but rather hiding the problem while simultaneously making it deeper.
And if you don’t understand yourself, how can you seek to understand another?
Here is one of my favorite lines from the Bible…
First, take the beam out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.
~ Matthew 7:5
To remove the beam from your eye, you must first understand where the beam came from so you know which direction to pull it out.
Using curiosity to cure internal conflict
Curiosity can help you do this.
Let’s go back to the beginning of this post…
Curiosity is simply the radical search for truth.
Through curiosity, you can drop your desires and opinions and exchange them with the exploration of truth.
In this radical pursuit for truth, you begin to do two things:
Eliminate your attachment to material desires and opinions
Begin to understand yourself
Once again, material desires make the void deeper. Freeing yourself from these desires gives space for love to come in.
And remember, feeling understood is a feeling of love. By understanding yourself, you start to feel self-love.
So now that the void is no longer being deepened by material desire and you have begun to understand and therefore love yourself, through your curiosity, you have now resolved the #1 and #2 causes of conflict.
Now that you have resolved conflict within, you can seek to resolve conflict without.
You can now seek to understand others giving them the same expression of love, replacing their deepened void caused by material desires.
And now externally you have resolved the #1 and #2 causes of conflict.
I understand this is easier said than done.
It is a lifelong, but worthwhile journey that is rewarding and very fun.
I welcome you on this journey of radical search for truth with me.
With Truth & Love,
Shaughnessy